Do you shout in your home? I don’t mean the shouting that happens when someone is going to fall off the sofa or spill soup on freshly cleaned floor. I mean the shouting that happens when disobedient children come into the picture.In our house, we do. Or rather, I do. Why does it happen? This usually happens when I let things slide. Yes, shouting is not caused by the children. It is caused by the parents. Do I hear howls of protest? Lol! Why do I say that, since it totally incriminates me?
If we have trained our children to first-time obedience consistently, we will eliminate much reason for shouting. What is first-time obedience? Simple – when I give an instruction, it is to be obeyed immediately. I do not have to say it again and again and again. Ask yourself (and myself) why do we shout? We shout because our instructions are not being obeyed and we get irritated or frustrated.
Eg. Scenario A : “Pack up your toys when you are done playing with them.” Child packs them all up. There is no need to shout. Life is pleasant.
Scenario B : same instruction is given. Child ignores instruction. Mother repeats instruction with voice slightly raised. Child continues to ignore and may even walk away from the toy area. Mother now gets agitated. Tone changes. Voice gets louder. Finally she yells. Child then obeys and packs up the toys. Mother is upset and child is unhappy at being shouted. The home setting is not peaceful.
What is happening? Mother has allowed shouting to be a method of gettting the child to obey. This then becomes a habit in this household. The child learns Hmmm…I can just ignore mum till I hear her shout. Then I know she means business.
What should be happening? Once instruction is not obeyed, the child must be disciplined immediately. He will quickly learn that first-time obedience is required of him. There is now no need to shout
Can this really happen? YES!!! So why have I gone back to shouting? Simple. I have become lazy!!! Instead of disciplining immediately when the child does not exhibit first-time obedience, I had chosen to use my voice. I had chosen to repeat my instructions when it wasn’t necessary. When the child did not obey, I had chosen the easy way out by shouting at him. And then to top it off, I blamed him for making me shout at him!
What needs to be done now? I need to go and remind the children that I expect first-time obedience and they will be disciplined accordingly when they do not obey. And I need to be consistent!
Now to go and walk the talk, eh?
5 responses so far ↓
kim heok // July 2, 2008 at 6:17 am |
“They will be disciplined accordingly”, so you talk to them first or spank them immediately if they refuse to listen to u ? Am I right to say:
1) instruction given
2) child ignore
3) spank
My child is wilful at 4 yrs old, my fault and I am determine to change this .
buildingupmoms // July 2, 2008 at 3:11 pm |
The rules need to be laid down BEFORE you spank, ok?
Eg. He touches the tv set. You tell him that he cannot touch it. He touches it, you spank.
You CANNOT spank for something you haven’t given an instruction for.
And you must be CONSISTENT. If can’t be spnak today but the next day you let it slide when he plays with the tv.
AND one more – keep to the basic stuff first. Dont’ start introducing a multitude of rules when he’s had none before, ok?
And pray for wisdom!
Serene
deb // April 25, 2009 at 8:29 am |
how do u find the time to discipline immediately if the kid(s) do not exhibit first time obedience when u have so many other kids to manage? (eg you’re managing the twin babies – who like to climb out of their high chairs halfway thru feeding and then the other 2 older ones r having a whale of a time throwing themselves n jumping on the sofa or running around the house??? i can’t leave the babies and tend to the older boys all at one time so i’d raise my voice if i gotta repeat myself many times (i have 4 and i struggle a lot… with shouting… feels terrible when i do that)
buildingupmoms // April 28, 2009 at 1:33 pm |
pick one battle at a time. in the scenario you outlined, i would call the older ones to me 1st. tell them that they would hv to sit at your feet unless they are able to behave themselves.
the twins also need to be disciplined.
basically at this age. your word is law. they just obey or face consequences. if hv to interrupt feeding, then so be it or they’ll learn that they can fool around when you are bz.
once they hv shown themselves responsible, you can allow them to negotiate – respectfully.
hth. if not write again. take care
gatt // May 26, 2009 at 11:57 am |
I have a 5 yr old boy. Most of the time he is a darling. I work from home and he stays very well behaved though out the time I have a client. But other times I’m losing it. I used to be such a calm person. He’s answering back saying rood words (idiot, bloody and stupid) he got them from school. We don’t use these words at home. For e.g. today after school I told him if he would like we could go to the beach and play on the sand and visit my mother after. He was delighted. I told him great first things first you need to change and eat. He wanted to go to the beach with his uniform and without eating. I told him until you change we’re not going anywhere. Over an hr later he is still crying and still not changed. I’ve already told him for being so rood and banging the door and talking to me the way he did I’m not talking him. And I really won’t. (I controlled myself and did not even raise my voice once or smack him (I get very stressed when I shout/smack him so I’m trying hard not to) you said that they should obey immediately but I don’t’ want to smack him. So I’ve started giving him time out in his room that is making things hard for me as he’s started to bang the bedroom door! I wish I had a little help controlling him.