Common Issues New Moms Struggle With

Through my observations and questions thrown at me over the past almost 11 years as a mom, I have noticed that these are the more common issues  new moms struggle most with.

• Breastfeeding
• Crying Babies
• Non-sleeping babies
• Sheer exhaustion
• Interference from others

Breastfeeding

Because one can’t see how much the baby is taking in, breastfeeding can be the most common cause of stress for the new mom. This often leads to the mom giving up breastfeeding which is a pity since breastfeeding has so many benefits not just for the baby but for the mother as well.

The 1st question a new mom encounters everytime she mentions she is breastfeeding the baby exclusively is, “Do you have enough milk?”

The “Do you have enough milk?” question is constantly asked throughout the entire breastfeeding journey. After a while, even a confident mom will get worn out and/or demoralised hearing it over and over

The new mom could also be sabotaged by a well meaning but totally ignorant doctor from Day 1. In fact, after my recent birth, I overheard the ob-gyn telling my room mate that her milk would not come in till the 7th day and meanwhile she had to supplement 20 – 30 mls after every nursing session!

To counteract such inaccurate statements, a new mom ought to read updated literature on breastfeeding and talk to those who have breastfed successfully for at least 6 months or more.

So how is one to handle the perennial question of knowing how much milk the baby is taking or not taking? Simple - observe the wet diapers. Rule of thumb is 6 – 8 wet diapers by the end of the 1st week and that the urine colour should be clear or pale yellow. Also check that the lips are not dry and that the fonatalles are not overly depressed.

Do not pump to check!!! This is the most common mistake new breastfeeding moms make. They pump to check the amount of milk they are producing. It is always less than what the baby is taking. Why?

For one, breastfeeding at that point in time has not been fully established. Next the pump always extracts less than what the baby can! Also, the pump may not be able to stimulate the breast to have a letdown which means all the mom is getting out of the breast is the unimpressive looking foremilk. Not the thick creamy hindmilk. It is a very poor gauge of the amount of milk the mom is making.

Trust your body to produce the milk your baby needs. Eat properly, drink lots and lie down and rest as much as possible for at least the 1st 6 weeks.

Crying Babies

Closely linked to breastfeeding is the issue of crying babies. The 1st assumption many make is that a crying baby is a hungry baby. Therefore if a baby cries very often, he must be very hungry because breastmilk is not sufficient.

WRONG!

A baby cries for many reasons. Being tired is one of them. So is being overstimulated. Other babies hate to be dirty diapers and yet others cry because they are too cold/hot. Crying does not necessarily indicate a hungry baby.

And then there are babies who are high need and just cry more than other easily contented babies. If you have one of those, pray!

Or you may have a baby that loves to suckle. Suckling calms her down. So when she wants to sleep, she starts crying and rooting for the breast, not because she is really hungry but because she wants to suckle to soothe herself to sleep.

So what do you do with crying babies? For one, remain calm. babies are highly sensitive. They can sense the tension in us and react to it by fussing/crying even more.

Personally, I go with the eat-awake-sleep routine. This way helps me know why the baby is crying. If she’s near her sleep time and is fussing, I put her to bed. If she’s crying near her feeding time, I feed her. It takes a lot of the guesswork out of parenting. Also, this way, I do not end up offering the breast all the time.

Non-sleeping babies

I don’t know where these so-called experts get the idea that babies, especially newborn babies sleep alot. None of my 7 ever did.

Currently, our 7th baby is a catnapper. And to top it off, she catnaps at the breast! Something that I absolutely dislike! But she is all of 3 weeks old. So I refuse to get overly stressed about it for now. And that is the same advice I would give to new moms.

Yes, I believe in setting a routine and sleep training. BUT not now. Not when they are so young. IF they need to nurse every 2hours so be it. If they need to nurse/rocked to sleep, so be it.

The milk supply needs all the stimulation it can get to produce sufficient milk for the baby. And the baby needs time to adjust to the family’s rhythm. Give everyone a chance!

You can start setting the routine but if it doesn’t happen, chill out. Try again later. Sleep training can wait at this stage.

Sheer exhaustion

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – You do not know what exhaustion is till you’ve had a baby!

If you are breastfeeding, dealing with a crying and non-sleeping baby, I can almost guarantee that you’ll experience sheer exhaustion by the end of the 1st week. Well, unless one’s totally hands-off and has an army of help. So what’s one to do?

Well, it is much easier when you are dealing with just one baby. You just nap when the baby naps. Even if you have to nap with the baby on you or attached to you. You just nap coz you need the sleep. Forget about the chores, forget about answering emails and telephone calls. Just go and sleep when baby is sleeping.

But what if you have more than one child?

Ah! That’s when scheduled naptimes or quiet times for the older child/ren is most helpful. In our house, we have a time when everyone is lying down and napping or resting. That’s when I nap with the baby, if necessary.

On days when the scheduled quiet time does not coincide with the baby’s nap then I will lie on the couch/floor while the kids play around me while the baby naps in her cot. Yes, it isn’t really restful but it is better than nothing. I have found that my body needs to be in a horizontal position at least once a day even if it is just for 10 – 15 minutes. And when I am really tired, I’ll even fall asleep in the midst of all the noise!

Everything seems more miserable, more overwhelming, more negative when one is exhausted. So put resting before chores and even school in the early days. You can reinstate everything else when you’ve had some rest.

One more thing. You may be tempted to drink coffee or tea or ginseng to perk you up but if it affects the baby, you would be creating another problem for yourself. So do check if your baby is affected by these stimulants before taking them.

Interference from others

As a new mom, there will be plenty of “help” and “advice” given – whether you asked for it or not These advice can cause great stress to the new mom and dad. Especially when the advice given are conflicting. And if you live with your parents or parents-in-laws, then you’ll have to navigate extremely sensitive grounds.

If you do live with your parents or your parents-in-laws, it is best if the “ground rules” were laid out from the very beginning. I do not have any real life experience of living with either set of parents as yet but from what I have observed, you’ll have to decide – with your dh – what are the issues that are important to you and stick to them. On less important issues, learn to close both eyes – and ears!

With regard to advice dished out by others, learn to smile and move on Don’t get on the defensive. You don’t need to explain why you do what you do. Unless they are truly interested.

Don’t let these common issues spoil your enjoyment of the little blessing God has given to your family. As you wrestle with them to find your footing as a new mom, don’t forget to pray! Pray for strength to see you through the day even though you are down to your last ounce of strength. The early days are tiring but it will pass! Talk to those who understand and seek encouragement from like-minded people to make this season a little easier to bear.

* You may want to read Struggles of  New Moms *

And if you know someone who has just become a new mother, do encourage and support her. Some helpful pointers can be found in “What A New Mother Needs“.

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My personal musings are found at Building An Ark in Singapore.

 

Struggles of new moms

For every new mom who survives the confinement period without tears and depression, there are probably 10 moms who didn’t

Being a new mom is a terribly frightening experience. Now, there’s a helpless human being who looks to you for answers and help. But you don’t have all the answers. Most times you are too sleep deprived to even know what day or time it is!

So how does one survive?

Let me just say it as it is – all of us have to go through this baptism of fire No matter how prepared you are, you are never prepared enough. And even if you have had several children before, each newborn brings a different set of challenges so you will often feel like a new mom all over again.

But having said that, a well-prepared mother is better equipped than an ill-informed one. So I believe there are ways to survive this period with a little less trauma

Books and more books

This is especially for 1st time moms. Read, read and read some more! But even as you read, bear in mind that life is not a textbook and your child is a unique created being. Just because the book says a baby should sleep 22 hours out of the 24 hours does not mean your baby will sleep 22 hours. And just because the book says most babies feed every 3hours doesn’t mean yours will feed every 3 hours.

When you read, keep a lookout for the PRINCIPLE behind the advice. Don’t just follow the advice blindly.

Get real life support

Then get in touch with moms you trust and respect. Observe the moms around you even before you birth. Understand their philosophy of life and ask yourself if you’d like to learn from them. If yes, get to know them!

Your mom, mil, sister, sil, friends, colleagues, etc can be good sources of help. Talk to them, learn from them. Ask them questions. They would be more than happy to share with you their success stories as well as steer you away from what did not work for them.

And as you search for your real life support, I suggest you narrow it down to 2 or 3 persons that you will turn to after the baby arrives. While a variety of opinions add spice to life, it can also serve to confuse the new mom. 

Eg. If you believe in attachment parenting, then stick to those who believe in it. If you believe, instead, in a parent-led philosophy, then make sure you seek advice from those who practice it. Otherwise the opposing views will just serve to make you more stressed and confused.

Online help

There are countless of moms forums out there in cyberspace. But again, in every forum there’ll be a multitude of parenting philosophies. They can serve to confuse rather than be helpful. Choose carefully.

Go with the flow

This would be the most lifesaving tip I, myself have learnt. Even as you search for answers in books and real life support, learn to go with the flow. There will be days where it will seem nothing works. The baby just keeps crying/nursing/  would not be put down, etc.

That’s when you need to learn to just go with the flow. Live each day, an hour at a time, even 15 minutes at a time, if that helps. Don’t think of the long stretch ahead. Make everything bite size.

For example, even if you are a believer in parent-led feeding but no matter how you try, the baby wants to feed every hour on the hour, so be it. Let him. It will keep you sane. Re-institute the routine later on, when the baby is more mature and you are calmer. Go with the flow.

And the most important of all…

Pray

Even as you read and seek advice from those you admire, do not forget God! he gave you this baby, He will guide you on how to care for him. He will be the one who will lead you to the right books, the right person, the right forum. Keep asking Him for help, to lead you.

 

So if you are mom-to-be, start doing your homework now and get to know moms you trust and respect. And if you are already a new mom struggling, don’t give up. It’s never too late to start looking for support and reading up.

Above all, enjoy your baby!

* Look out for Common Issues New Moms Struggle With *

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My personal musings are found at Building An Ark in Singapore.

Held Hostage by the Children!

Are you?

I have been reading/hearing about kids who rule the home with their behaviour and it makes me sad. In the name of LOVE, these children have been allowed to run amok and rule the home. They are the kings and queens that their parents have to pay homage to.

No wonder children are often not viewed as the blessings they are supposed to be.

Disclaimer : I am not saying that children should never misbehave. Or that my children are perfect. No way!

But misbehaviour and disobedience should be the exception and not the norm, especially when they are young. If they will not learn obedience and submission now, how will they be able to function in the world at large?

Are they going to be throwing a temper tantrum if their boss did not award them a high profile project/bonus/promotion/room with a view?

If they will not obey an instruction to go to bed, eat their food, brush their teeth, how are they going to obey society’s rules and regulations?

No, I am not saying we must spank to discipline. See Teach Obedience, Don’t Just Spank. But there must be discipline in the home. How you discipline is an individual family’s decision but there must be discipline, I say again.

If at 4 they dictate what time they want to sleep and what they want to eat, can you imagine them at 14? Scary! We must not be shortsighted when we parent. We need to project into the future. What we allow now has consequences. And please do not use the oft-used excuse of “But they are only children”. We need to be training them to be adults not keep them as children! So yes, they will make mistakes, “fight” with us and push boundaries. That is to be expected. But that doesn’t mean we give in to them.

That is not love. That is indulgence. A wise mom once said that as Christians, we are here to raise these little ones to be servants of the Most High King, not just make them happy.

 But most people (Christian or not) are busy entertaining their children or too afraid to offend them. So they end up raising children who believe that they are the most important creature in the world. Totally unlike what my mom used to say to me, again and again, “The world doesn’t revolve around you!”

In our home, bedtime, mealtimes, schoolwork and even household chores are non-negotiables. In time to come, when the older ones demonstrate maturity (I hope!) they can come and negotiate with us, respectfully.

I am really disturbed by the number of parents, especially moms,  who often tell me that they can’t get their child to sleep at a decent time. One finally managed to get hers to do so when she started school because the girl liked school! Imagine that! What if the girl hated school?!

Another mom I know used to prepare three different meals for her 3 children. Wow!

And then there are those who are held hostage by their children whenever they go out or when they have baby. In both cases, the child certainly shows them who’s the boss!

Let me have my way or I’ll scream and embarrass you infront of all these people. And you better pay attention to me and not the baby or I’ll make sure you feel so guilt ridden you can’t function!

Either scenario, the parent gives in, give up (?!) and the child rules the roost once again. YOU are the parent. YOU are placed over the child by God to raise him. You can’t do that if he does not respect you and if you constantly waver when he puts the pressure on you.

Stand firm. Parent. Love. But don’t be a softie. Don’t be held hostage.

*** If you need help in this area, I recommend the website Raising Godly Tomatoes and any child training books by Michael and Debi Pearl of No Greater Joy Ministries, including To Train Up A Child and No Greater Joy Volumes 1 – 3. Locally, you can order No Greater Joy products HERE and the Rasising Godly Tomatoes book HERE. Tell them that I sent you their way Another disclaimer – I don’t endorse everything they recommend but their principles have been very helpful.

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My personal musings can be found at Building An Ark in Singapore.

Discipline IS Hard Work!

Met a friend today and she said that I make disciplining the children sound easy. Hmm…did I do that? If I did, I am sorry!

Discipline is hard, hard work! Not just emotionally draining but physically tiring too! Especially when one is 9 months pregnant! Lol!

But seriously – discipline is hard work because it is not a natural thing for us to do. We are naturally lazy people and the other thing is we want to be liked. Disciplinarians are not usually well-liked.

To discipline a child consistently means we need to set aside whatever we are doing to quickly discipline as the moment calls for. It is much easier to just yell across the room for them to “stop it!” or to ignore them.

In the beginning, this means constant interruptions. In the early days, it can seem as though the whole day is just spent disciplining. And that causes you to feel drained emotionally (what’s wrong with my child? Why can’t he get the message?) and physically (walking/getting up and down to deal with the law breaker many times).

And at the end of the day, you feel like you have accomplished zilch. All you have to show for all that work you have done is a sulky child and an even sulkier mom

But I am telling you that it does bring rewards. However, disciplining is a long term project. It is not something that brings results after a few days. And it requires you to constantly be on your guard. Don’t give up. For if you do, you’ll have to start all over again! And remember, every once in a while the child will test and re-test his boundaries. So you have to be alert. That’s another reason why discipline is hard work.

Consistent discipline brings manifold blessings – to you the parent, to the child and to those around you.

You will reap many benefits if you consistently discipline your children. And the younger you start, the easier it is. It is much easier to train than to re-train.

To give you a personal example. I am able to take short naps during the day when I have to. And I do not wake up to a house that is thrashed or covered with blood Why? The children have been disciplined over the years to know how to play quietly and harmoniously even when mama is not watching.

It was not an overnight development. There were many days/months (?!) of being interrupted by loud screams or arguments in the midst of a nap. Resulting in a major headache for me, of course

But by the grace of God, consistent discipline has brought us to this point.

So I say again, discipline is terribly hard work. But don’t give up. Press on. Disciplining our children is not being mean to them. It is helping them develop character (the good kind!) and self-control. It may seem like we are party poopers but the Bible says their soul is at stake! 

Do not withhold discipline from a child;
if you punish him with the rod, he will not die.

Punish him with the rod
and save his soul from death.

(Proverbs 23:13-14)

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My personal musings can be found at Building An Ark in Singapore.

The Burden of Being A Mother

When a child misbehaves, there’s a Chinese comment that is literally translated as, “Mother didn’t teach”. I don’t know if there’s an equivalent in English or any other language. But with that one comment, the onus seems to be placed solely on the mother : to teach values and morals, amongst other things. So if the child misbehaves, no one ever points a finger at the father, only at the mother.

Isn’t this an awesome responsibility for us to shoulder? :::shudder::: Makes me want to run away!

Yesterday, I was reading an online Bible Study from Heart On The Matter called Walking Among Them. And the woman featured this week was Jochebed, mother of Moses. Yes the great man, Moses who was one of the few people who saw God and talked to God face-to-face.

As Lori says we often gloss over the fact that without Jochebed’s faith in God, there would have been no Moses. Someone else would have been raised up to be God’s man of the hour. Another mother would have been honoured. But Jochebed was the woman God chose. And because of her faith, her obedience, we have Moses, God’s specially chosen man.

And then came the thought provoking question Lori asked,

Jochebed raised faithful children. What does that say about HER faith?

• What do your children witness from you in regards to faith?
• Do you outwardly express your faith, your prayers, and your purpose to your children?
• Do you live as an example to your children?

Yikes!

As I pondered on these questions, I also remember that Sarah Edwards, beloved wife of Jonathan Edwards was credited for being the matriarch of the Edwards family, not because she was controlling or domineering but because of her faith in God.

In the book, Marriage to a Difficult Man: The Uncommon Union of Jonathan & Sarah Edwards By Elisabeth D. Dodds, there is a quote that says, “much of the capacity and talent, intensity, and character of the more than 1,400 of the Edwardss family is due to Mrs Edwards.” (p39-40).

Imagine that!

Am I that sort of a mother? A faith-filled mother whose children see God in my life and want to be like? Are you?

I know I am not. And I also know that with more children than most, I get more chances to screw up than most!

But I also know that I mustn’t give up. Most days I feel like giving up. These are some of the more common thoughts running through my head on those bad days -

• “It’s so difficult!”
• “It’s never ending and nothing I do seems to work anyway. So why bother?”
• “God must have chosen the wrong person to raise these children!”
• “I give up!”
• Why did I choose this life?”
• “Why did I all these children?”
• “No, scrap that. Why did I even have children?”
• “Faith? What faith? I just want to go and sleep!”

So why don’t I actually give up? Because…if I don’t bother? Who will???

Mothers are different from fathers. We fulfill a totally different aspect of parenting. Fathers have their own share of burden to carry. It may seem easier from our vantage point but until we walk in their shoes, we can’t compare.

Let us focus on ourselves before we go around begrudging everyone else of having a “better” life.

Yes, it is not an easy place to be at. But let us focus on pleasing God who has called us into this ministry and let us remember that this is one of the rare jobs in the world that carries eternal rewards!

Hang in there!

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My personal musings can be found at Building An Ark in Singapore.

The Blame Game

Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.” And the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” Genesis 3:12-13

Since the very beginning we have been blaming each other for our own misdeeds. Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the serpent. Neither took responsibility for their own sinful act of disobedience. It is always someone’s elses fault.

Are you like that too? I know I am! And I know who I can blame that on too! But I shall hold my tongue on this!

I was even told of a man who committed adultery repeatedly but blamed his wife and in laws for it! Amazing? Yes, amazingly common I am afraid.

And I just noticed this (yes, I know. I am a slow learner!) my children playing the blame game too! The moment something goes wrong, they are quick to point out that it is the other person’s fault. It is not just their sinful self that causes this. They are also modelling after…me!

Notice how we blame them for shouting at them or for making us angry with them? Don’t we often say, “I have to shout at you before you will obey.” Or “You made me so angry.”

The thing is – they did a misdeed but we don’t have to respond in anger or with shouting. But we allow ourselves to. And then we blame them!

Isn’t it a terrible thing we do?

We need to start taking responsibility for our own acts of sinful behaviour and call a spade a spade. And what’s scarier is that sometimes this act of blaming someone else is so habitual we do not even realise it! That’s where our spouses can help us. And if your spouse is in the same place then you can make a pact to quit this habit together!

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My personal musings can be found at Building An Ark in Singapore.

Sling or Stroller?

For me, both are important! Please don’t ask me to choose as both have their advantages, depending on the situation I am in.

I only discovered the sling when I had Child #2. And I have loved it since then. It meant that I could carry the baby and hold on to the toddler’s hand when we went out. And still leave the other hand free to hold bags of shopping!

And when I had 3 children, aged 3.5 and below, going out with them alone was still manageable coz I could hold on to 2 children’s hand and sling the baby! The sling is also useful when I am travelling alone (which is a rare occasion nowadays!) as I don’t need to struggle with all the stroller un-friendly places. I can move much faster with the baby in a sling than in a stroller.

Our babies all loved to be in their slings especially when they were 6 months and younger. But I also would start putting them into the stroller whenever I could.

Usually, in the beginning, they would protest. Afterall, all babies love to be held But I would persist and would put them in for short periods – 5, 10 minutes each time to let them get used to it. After a while, they not only got used to it but liked it. In the stroller, they could stretch out and observe things around them quietly, by themselves. It was also cooler for them and for me, on those hot and humid days.

The stroller is especially a lifesaver when we travel and when I am pregnant. When we recently went to Malacca, the toddler didn’t like sleeping in a strange bed so she decided to sleep in her stroller instead! And when she didn’t want to sit in it, the 3 yr old was more than happy to rest in there! The stroller is also helpful as the pregnancy progresses. As the belly grows, I get tired more often and faster and also my back aches more so I prefer not to carry the toddler.

As the baby grows bigger and heavier, the sling is used less and less and the stroller relied upon more. But even then, the sling has not been relegated to the back burner

The sling has been very helpful to me even now, at 8 months pregnant. I still sling the 18 mth old when I have to take the children to church by myself on Sunday mornings. I also sling her during the 30 minute worship session.

The only thing I have not mastered is nursing both sides in the sling. I usually take off the sling and nurse. I find the sling gets in the way and that it is easier to switch sides without bothering about all the cloth!

And in case you think that I have many slings since I love mine so, I don’t. I only have 2. One in cotton (from the year 2000!) and one in silk that I was blessed with when I had Baby #5. And both are from Moms In Mind. Nowadays you find many different types of slings available direct in Singapore either through online stores or even in places like Kiddy Palace, Robinsons and Takashimaya. Or if you are really creative, you can even sew your own!

* Some moms I know swear by their Ergo carriers. I have not tried it and at this point in time, have no need for it as I understand that it is great for carrying the baby/toddler for long (4 – 6hrs) periods of time. I almost never go out for that long and even if I do, I do not sling the baby for that length of time either. She either goes to daddy or into the stroller.

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For my personal musings, do visit Building An Ark in Singapore.

Is Your Home A Place of Sanctuary?

Or is it a place of chaos?

Do your children love to be home? Does your husband look forward to coming home? Or do they all prefer to be out as often and as long as they possibly can?

Please note that I am no Martha Stewart And neither do you have to be her. But all of us can strive to create a peaceful and harmonious home with whatever resources we have.

As we approach the Chinese Lunar New Year in 2 weeks’ time perhaps you can use it to prod yourself to start beautifying your home so that it can be a place of sanctuary?

I know what you are thinking, “Please! I don’t even have time for myself, who cares about the house!” But you will find that as you remove the chaos from your home, you will feel less stressed.

Start small. Start simple. Don’t run out and start buying decorations and ornaments yet! The first thing you need to do is de-clutter! Yes, de-cluttering is on my mind!

Just go around the house, room-by-room with 1 box/basket and 1 trashbag and start packing. Things that are to be thrown away go straight into the trashbag. Things that don’t belong to that room go into the box/basket. Then start putting away the things to where they belong.

This is not the time for deep cleaning – unless you have the time and energy to do so. What we are aiming for is removing surface clutter so that the eye does not see piles and piles of stuff everywhere but instead it sees clean, open spaces.

Don’t know where the things belong? Ask yourself – do you need this item? Why are you keeping it? Please leave all your guilt in the trashbag, ok? Don’t keep a gift coz it was given to you by a well-loved relative/friend but you hate it coz it is hideous/does not go with anything in your home/is totally impractical. You need to be heartless unless you have the luxury of space in your home or are willing to rent storage space.

Rule of thumb in any organisational book/website* will tell you – if you really can’t decide, put it away for 6 months. If at the end of the 6 months you have not used it at all, then it is time to throw or donate it away.

Once you have removed the clutter, you can start beautifying your home. Perhaps a vase of flowers. Matching hand towels. A new table cloth. A new bedside lamp. New bedsheets. New photo frames. New curtains. And it doesn’t have to be expensive to be beautiful.

Basically, a neat and organised home is what you are aiming for. No point having a lovely vase of flowers when surrounding it are piles of paper and toys! The vase of flowers, instead of a thing of beauty, becomes another piece of clutter.

Then if you have more time or if you are now totally motivated you can start de-cluttering what’s inside your cupboards and drawers. You may find that you now have 2 or more extra empty drawers/shelves. So now you can remove even more surface clutter!

I would also encourage you to make your bedroom a place of peace and sanctuary. Your bedroom shouldn’t act as a de facto storeroom. It is a place where you can go to to retreat and re-charge yourself.

If the baby/children are in there and you can’t do that, then look for another nook in the house. Everyone of us needs a personal space/chair/desk that we can go to to read or to space out. Think out of the box. We have at the moment 8 bodies in a 1500 sq ft apartment (including stairs!). If we can create a (small) space for ourselves, I am sure you can too!

Remember your home should be a place of sanctuary!

* There are so many books and websites out there to help you on de-cluttering and beautifying your home. To start you off, you may want to check out Edith Schaeffer’s The Hidden Art of Homemaking. The library also has tons of homemaking books if you don’t want to add another piece of clutter in your home

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For my personal musings, visit Building An Ark in Singapore.

Teach Obedience, Don’t Just Spank

I have explained our style and method of discipline in our home at Discipline and The Rod? Time Out?

It has been largely effective for us as we train our little ones to obey our authority, as their parents. But I often hear of parents spanking for everything under the sun and this has an adverse effect on the child. The child learns to toughen himself up and learns to ignore the pain after a while. I disagree with this type of spanking. It is not only ineffective but results in much resentment and bitterness between the parent and child.

In our home, we teach each child to heed the call for obedience. And when they do not heed it, we will than spank for disobedience. Meaning, no matter what instruction is given, they have to obey. Any disobedience to the instruction resulted in a spanking.

So we don’t say, “You are being disciplined for not brushing your teeth/not packing your room/not doing your chores/etc…” We say, “You are being disciplined for disobeying mama or daddy.”

Is there a difference? Yes, there is.

With the former, you’ll need to lay down rules for everything you can think of and if you forget to lay down the rule for one item, then the child is allowed to misbehave on that one item. But if you are disciplining for disobedience then every instruction you issue (”pack up now/it’s time for bed/go and shower”) is to be obeyed.

Does that make them robots? Not at all.

As parents, we teach them to obey immediately and cheerfully. As they start to show maturity (and when this happens this depends on the child), they are allowed to appeal or ask the reason behind an instruction. And the reason given is usually a short one. No long stories in this household! But even if no reason is forthcoming, they are still required to obey. They learn to obey because we have told them to, not because they like our explanation or if the explanation appeals to them This cuts down a lot of useless, time consuming arguments with a young child who cannot fully understand logic and reasoning.

I have seen moms explaining to their young children why he/she should put on his/her shoes when they are preparing to leave my house. And the explanations given is not a “we have to put on our shoes because we are leaving now” but a long, protracted conversation about the merits of putting on shoes! And sometimes, I or my children are even put forth as the villian! “Aunty Serene (or the baby) wants to rest now so we have to leave.” Like huh?! Where did that come from?

A similar scenario is played out in shops when the inquisitive child is touching and making a mess of the store display. Instead of telling the child not to mess up the place and have the child obey the simple instruction, I’ll hear the parent explaining that the store owners will be very angry with the child if the child messes up the shop. Thereby putting the blame on the obviously unfriendly store owner.

In both examples the child is not being taught to obey mom but to resent this other person who’s obviously a party pooper!

Obedience when taught well, results in well behaved children (most of the time, anyway!). Don’t spank for everything under the sun. Focus on teaching your children obedience and you will reap a pleasant and peaceful home.

This article by Elizabeth of Raising Godly Tomatoes explains it perfectly. Click HERE to read it. I read it years ago after I had read Preparation for the Toddler Years by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo and am so glad to have learnt these basics when I had one child.

Parenting is tough and getting the basics right is helpful to achieving a peaceful and happy home that glorifies God.

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For my personal musings, come and visit Building An Ark in Singapore.

Myths : Conclusion

And so we have come to end of the 10 common myths associated with our larger than normal family.

The purpose of debunking these assumptions people have of our family is to share that we truly are a normal average family that happens to have more children than most people. We are no superheroes nor are we cultic What we seek to do is to give God the glory as we walk in His ways and obey His call on our lives. And we pray that it may inspire you to seek Him out and know Him.

As I share how we run our home and homeschool, it is not to discourage you but to encourage you that if we - imperfect, sinful, self-centred people can do this, so can you! Not because we are stronger-willed than most but because of the God we serve and love.

No, it is by no means easy but God’s ways seldom are, especially when compared to the tempting light of the world. But God is faithful and gracious. And indeed,

“(His) grace is sufficient for (us), for (His) strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Check out the rest of the other myths HERE.

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For my personal musings, visit Building An Ark in Singapore